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♪ Terrible Tudors
Gorgeous Georgians

2
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:04,840
♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

3
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,320
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

4
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♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

5
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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

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♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

7
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,040
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

8
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♪ Gory stories, we do that

9
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♪ And your host, a talking rat

10
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

11
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♪ Welcome to...

12
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♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

13
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Horrible Histories presents...

14
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...Banging Bling!

15
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Ah, bling.

16
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Jewellery, riches and money.

17
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,040
They say money
makes the world go round.

18
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,240
Although we haven't always used
actual coins and notes.

19
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,040
To begin with, people used to just
swap or trade things with each other

20
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,480
as a way of paying for stuff.

21
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,720
Until someone in Greece
in the 7th century BC

22
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,240
came up with the idea of coins.

23
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,000
Now, if you'll excuse me,

24
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,560
I'm just off to see
what I can swap this goose for.

25
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,600
Ow!

26
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,760
Ooh!

27
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,800
That pot costs two jars
or a box of bees,

28
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but don't try and palm me off
with wasps,

29
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I've been stung like that before.

30
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,920
Do you accept money?
What's money?

31
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Here. This is money.

32
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It's a coin made from a mix
of gold and silver.

33
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What do I do with that?
You exchange it for other things.

34
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It's got a picture of a lion on it.

35
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Oh, I see. I exchange it
for a lion, do I? No.

36
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What would I want with a lion?
No, thanks, mate. Too dangerous.

37
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,600
No, it's not worth a lion.

38
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That's just a decoration
that tells you where it's from.

39
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This is a Lydian Lion.
It's the first coin.

40
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The pot costs two furs, mate.

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Feel the weight of the furs.

42
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Now feel the weight
of the Lydian Lion.

43
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Suppose it does save me carrying
around heavy furs all day.

44
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All right. Yeah, I'll take it.

45
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Thanks very much.

46
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:54,760
Morning. Hiya.

47
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Do you accept Lydian Lions?

48
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,360
I certainly do, love, yeah.

49
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Keep the change.

50
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LION ROARS

51
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,080
Oh, come on!

52
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,800
Do you remember where you were when
Julius Caesar

53
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was stabbed to death?

54
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I know I do.

55
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I was stabbing him in the back.

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HE LAUGHS

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I'm Brutus.

58
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{\an8}And me and my senator mates

59
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{\an8}bravely freed Rome from the dictator

60
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,080
Julius Caesar by doing him in.

61
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,720
You know, people often say to me,

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"Brutus, I wish I had a reminder of
the time that you murdered that guy,

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"like a special coin or something."

64
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Well, you're in luck.

65
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Oh, what is that?

66
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,960
I'm glad you asked.

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This cushy little number will be
a reminder of his brutal death

68
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{\an8}every time you pay for something.

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00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,720
{\an8}Look, it's got daggers on it,

70
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,760
and a picture of me
on the other side.

71
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,280
Isn't putting your face on coins
the exact sort of thing

72
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,240
Caesar used to do?
What's your point?

73
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Didn't we kill him because of
that sort of behaviour?

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{\an8}The Caesar murder souvenir coin from
Brutus. Terms and conditions apply.

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{\an8}Brutus coins may not be valid
in the event of Brutus' death

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{\an8}at the hands of Caesar's friends
and family.

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{\an8}Excuse me? Nothing!

78
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Brutus really did release a coin
celebrating Caesar's assassination.

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Talk about cold, hard cash.

80
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Of course, once you've got loads
of money, you can afford

81
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,680
to really splash it about
and be generous with it.

82
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And Mansa Musa, one of the richest
men who ever lived,

83
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certainly did that.

84
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Good afternoon. I'd like to rent
some of your rooms.

85
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Sure. How many do you need?

86
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All of them.

87
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That's not going to be cheap.

88
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Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not from around here.

89
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Will this cover it?

90
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,840
Oh, where did you get all this?

91
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,920
I'm Mansa Musa, the ruler of the
Mali Empire. I've got a lot

92
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200
of money, so I like to spread it
around, you know, I like to...

93
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MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF
I LIKE TO MOVE IT

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♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I like to spend it, spend it

95
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♪ Got so much I can't spend it

96
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♪ Here, have some, you spend it

97
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,000
♪ I like to spend it, spend it

98
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,120
♪ Got so much, I can't spend it

99
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,000
♪ Here, have some, you spend it! ♪

100
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,920
Half the gold in all the world
comes from my fine mines in Mali.

101
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So much gold, it mash up my mind.

102
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,760
Make me want to go to Mecca,

103
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,240
give thanks and pray.

104
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,360
And along the way, I pay to build
a mosque nearly every Friday.

105
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,880
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
Cash!

106
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,560
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
Money!

107
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♪ If you need some, I can send it
Gold!

108
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,240
♪ Here, have some, you spend it

109
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,280
♪ Travelling light,
we don't need many fellas

110
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♪ Royal guard,
teacher and storyteller

111
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,080
♪ Royal doctor,
me wife and her maids

112
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♪ Couple of officials,
and can't forget slaves

113
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,720
♪ And 500 heralds in silk

114
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,600
♪ Heralds in, heralds in,
heralds in silk

115
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♪ How many?
500 heralds in silk

116
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,400
♪ So many heralds!

117
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,080
♪ Heralds in, heralds in,
heralds in silk

118
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,000
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I love it!

119
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♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I'm serious!

120
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,000
♪ Got so much, I can't spend it
So much money

121
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♪ Here, have some, you spend it. ♪

122
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,760
I mean, I said to her,
"I've been stung before."

123
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I'm a sensitive guy.

124
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Argh!

125
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,480
We have them, the treacherous
Saracen Barbarians.

126
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,600
Our army will rid the world
of these monsters, Your Majesty.

127
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,920
Attack!

128
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,080
THEY COUGH

129
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,320
Our enemy, King Richard, is here,

130
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,040
and he is powerless before us.

131
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,200
I know exactly what our master,

132
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,080
the Sultan Saladin,
would have us do.

133
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,680
Send for the doctor, poor things.

134
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:34,960
Here, guys, let me help.

135
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,960
Are you OK? Take a seat, sit down.

136
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,000
Please, take a moment,
you're guests. Mm, not really.

137
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,760
Our army's come to kill you
and your whole savage army.

138
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,040
Death to the unbeliever...!

139
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,240
HE COUGHS

140
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,080
Yes, yes, there's plenty of time
for that.

141
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,920
Listen, Saladin is the richest, most
generous leader in the Holy Land,

142
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,200
and I know he wouldn't want
to fight you in this condition.

143
00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,200
I'm blind... I'm blind!

144
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,240
Oh!

145
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,760
It's OK, petal.

146
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,800
Oh, oh...

147
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,120
...I see again.

148
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,200
Sorry.

149
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:12,520
Anyway, I know Saladin,
and he's not just rich here,

150
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,440
he's rich here, too.

151
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,080
So listen, get your strength back.

152
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,880
Rest, eat well.

153
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,800
We're a bit short of food, actually.

154
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,320
Here, take this fruit basket, bro,
it's good.

155
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,760
Loads of good fruit in there.

156
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,920
{\an8}Thanks. And is there anything else
you need?

157
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,200
{\an8}You know, money, jewellery,
a horse?

158
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,160
{\an8}Ooh, actually...

159
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,560
{\an8}...because I do need a horse.

160
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,720
{\an8}Consider it done.

161
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,160
{\an8}Saladin's generosity has no limits.

162
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,040
Oh, well...

163
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,600
...I'll see you soon, then,

164
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,640
for the war!

165
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,000
Oh, of course,
I'll let the Sultan know,

166
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,320
but no rush.

167
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,880
Yes, you just make sure
that you're good and strong,

168
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,800
and we'll be here waiting.

169
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,320
Absolute savages, aren't they, sir?
Monsters!

170
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,880
Did you know that Saladin gave
so much of his wealth away

171
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,400
that, when he died,
he didn't have enough cash

172
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,120
to pay for his own funeral?

173
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,600
Amazing.

174
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,600
But some people in history weren't
so generous with their bling.

175
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,760
They just spent it on themselves.

176
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,040
Take Henry VIII.

177
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,640
Most of us don't spend a fortune
when we go camping,

178
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,680
but Henry was not like us.

179
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,080
When he went camping in 1520,
with the King of France,

180
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,760
he spent so much money,
the campsite was called

181
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,760
the Field of Cloth of Gold.

182
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,640
Four of the last five kings
of England have died

183
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,400
in mysterious
or violent circumstances.

184
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,560
That trend ends with me.

185
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,120
I'm Henry VIII,

186
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,000
and this is X-treme Survival!

187
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,000
Tip one - self-defence.

188
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,920
Britain's been at war with France
on and off forever.

189
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,880
Coming to the border between English
and French controlled France

190
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,960
may not have been the smartest idea.

191
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,640
I may need to defend myself
in a hurry.

192
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,600
Look around you. What do you see?

193
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,560
A stout branch...

194
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,200
...sharpened, would
make an excellent spear.

195
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,560
Well-positioned leaves can make
excellent camouflage.

196
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,480
But what I like to do is...

197
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,560
...contact my enemy, King Francis,
in advance,

198
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,880
{\an8}sign a peace treaty,

199
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,040
{\an8}and throw a big festival
to celebrate,

200
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,120
{\an8}with tournaments, singing, dancing,

201
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,640
{\an8}wrestling and archery.

202
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:25,040
{\an8}Le good times. Survivre a l'extreme!

203
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,880
Although technically speaking,
this whole area should be part

204
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,040
of France, and I may have to attack
next year.

205
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,520
Good luck with that.

206
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,440
Tip two - shelter.

207
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,080
You've made peace, but it's not
just people that can be hostile.

208
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,120
You may find yourself battling
the elements too.

209
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,800
You need shelter. Look around you.
What do you see?

210
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,000
Trees. Bushes.

211
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,720
A simple shelter made from branches
could keep you alive

212
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,400
on a cold night.

213
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,880
But what I like to do is have my men
build a field full of massive tents,

214
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,480
with actual windows
and our own chapel.

215
00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,240
{\an8}10,000m of tent city, baby!

216
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,600
It's so big, they call it
the Field of Cloth of Gold.

217
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,120
Lush. But you're going to need
some food in there.

218
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,520
So what I like to do is
bring 3,500 sheep,

219
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,640
850 veal calves,

220
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,360
bunch of pigs,

221
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,440
{\an8}and there's a fountain
that squirts actual wine,

222
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,080
{\an8}obviously.

223
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,040
You all right, mate?

224
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,320
Bit quiet.

225
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,800
Tip three - companionship.

226
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,440
Many a man has gone mad
in the wilderness

227
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,160
with no-one to talk to but a few
rocks with faces drawn on them.

228
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,640
This is Edward.

229
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,040
And this is Edward too.

230
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,480
I've never been good with names.

231
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,240
Isolation can be a deadly enemy.

232
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,640
Look around you. What do you see?

233
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,760
Well, the countryside might provide
the solution -

234
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,360
walking, hunting, fishing.

235
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,560
But what I like to do is travel
with over 6,000 people with me,

236
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,280
including my wife

237
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,880
AND a toy mechanical dragon kite.

238
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,120
{\an8}I take over 1,000 extra people
with me too.

239
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,640
A duchess, 10 countesses,
12 Baronesses,

240
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,040
20 knight's ladies,
14 general regular ladies,

241
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,480
a chaplain
and some bishops.

242
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,960
That's X-treme Survival.

243
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,040
Hardcore.

244
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,600
I'm Henry VIII.

245
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,800
It's 1520,
I'm in the Field of Cloth of Gold,

246
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,400
and I've got a mechanical dragon.

247
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,280
This is X-treme Survival!

248
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,080
Just me for the end one, I think,
doing the X.

249
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,360
Yeah. Thanks.

250
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,760
As you can see, Empress Dowager,

251
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:41,800
it is incredibly important we spend
the money to reinforce our navy.

252
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,800
We could be at war with Japan
any day now.

253
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,880
Yes, I can see how serious this is.

254
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,160
The money should be spent on...

255
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,320
...my 60th birthday party.

256
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:58,280
But the Japanese... I'm not
inviting them! It's my party.

257
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,360
And happy birthday in advance,

258
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,640
but there'll be plenty
of money left over

259
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,360
after paying for the party,
so we could spend it on...

260
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:10,720
84 triumphal arches, 14 stages

261
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,240
and a ten-mile procession!

262
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,840
Well, even so,
there still ought to be...

263
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:20,400
A million pieces of silk and a whole
bunch of temporary dragon buildings

264
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,760
and a huge amount
of yellow porcelain

265
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,280
covered in tree blossom
and butterflies and all sorts!

266
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:30,240
{\an8}Your Imperial Majesty, we have no
shells for our guns, we have no...

267
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,880
{\an8}Gunpowder! Exactly.

268
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:35,480
{\an8}For my fireworks. No! Ah!

269
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,160
{\an8}We are in mortal danger
of the Japanese!

270
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,560
{\an8}What do you propose filling
the cannons with?

271
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:46,480
{\an8}We could use the broken pots.
Your Imperial Majesty, we need a...

272
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,120
{\an8}A boat! No! Wait, what?

273
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:53,080
{\an8}Yes, a boat. Several, actually.

274
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,560
{\an8}Modern gunboats. Ah, at last!

275
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,680
{\an8}A boat made entirely of marble!

276
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,400
{\an8}Marble?! Well, what would you make
a party boat from?

277
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,360
{\an8}A party boat? Made of stone?

278
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,000
I mean, do you think one's enough?
There'll be so many guests!

279
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,000
Your Imperial Majesty, I must warn
you, you run the risk of having...

280
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,680
The best birthday party ever.

281
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,240
SHOUTING AND CANNON FIRE

282
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,920
Reverend Scott,
are we prepared below?

283
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,080
Yes, Dr Beatty, ready
to receive casualties.

284
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,080
With Admiral Nelson in charge,
the casualties should be few enough.

285
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,920
I predict a fine victory.

286
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,400
Look - there he is now.

287
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,560
A master at work.

288
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,560
Oh, no!

289
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,520
He's wearing the full bling,
the coat with all the medals on.

290
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,760
We might as well have a big arrow
pointing at him

291
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,280
saying, "Please shoot here."
Please tell him to take it off.

292
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,280
{\an8}Not likely! The admiral's better at
giving orders than taking them.

293
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,400
{\an8}We can't lose the battle
in the first five minutes

294
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,520
{\an8}cos Nelson gets shot!

295
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,640
{\an8}Napoleon's forces have snipers
in the riggings.

296
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,240
{\an8}They're going to see him
immediately!

297
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,320
{\an8}Why don't you tell him?
Tell me what?

298
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,280
Er, Dr Beatty was discussing
how big your...

299
00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:00,360
How big my victory against the
French and Spanish navy will be?

300
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,480
Yeah, tell me about it.
No, no, we were, um...

301
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,160
...suggesting... A location
for the victory party?

302
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,200
Yeah, good point. They do book up.
DISTANT SCREAMING

303
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,920
It was actually about your medals.

304
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,480
We thought maybe
the uniform might, er... Aah!

305
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,600
Look totally amazeballs?
Yeah, what can I say?

306
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,000
Look how shiny it is.

307
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,840
Admiral Nelson, over here!
MAN SCREAMS

308
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,840
Oh, sounds like I'm needed.
Boom - laters.

309
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,400
BULLETS RICOCHET
Ahh! He'll be fine.

310
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,080
The medals are so big the bullets
will bounce off them like armour.

311
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,400
{\an8}Victory is still guaranteed.
No doubt about it.

312
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,080
{\an8}Nelson's been shot!

313
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,600
{\an8}Oh!

314
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,520
{\an8}Bad time to say, "I told you so"?
Very bad time.

315
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,800
I guess getting all blinged up
so people notice you

316
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:47,080
isn't such a good idea when you've
got French snipers looking for you.

317
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,960
But there are things other
than jewellery - heh -

318
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,160
you can splash your cash on,
like some expensive art.

319
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,400
Mind you, you don't always
get what you pay for,

320
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,640
even when you hire a couple
of legends like artistic rivals

321
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,600
Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo.

322
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,960
SHOT WHIZZES PAST
Oi!

323
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,560
Sorting out the beefs of the past...
Can it, Harold!

324
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,640
...with the justice of today.

325
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,360
Well, that arrow in your eye will be
the least of your worries.

326
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,320
Welcome to...

327
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:26,120
Rival Renaissance artists
Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo

328
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,600
have been summoned to discuss some
issues with their craftsmanship.

329
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,320
Ah, so, Leonardo, help me.

330
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,800
Why do you think you're
the best artist then, hm?

331
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,280
I mean, where do I start?
I painted the Mona Lisa,

332
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,840
The Last Supper, Vitruvian Man -

333
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,160
I mean, that's the greatest example
of the ideal human body.

334
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,600
MICHELANGELO SNORTS
Not including yours, Judge.

335
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,480
Is smooth.

336
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,200
MICHELANGELO SIGHS
These are the words of a child.

337
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,040
A very talented child genius
with a beard.

338
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,600
I painted The Last Judgment,
the Sistine Chapel,

339
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,360
and I sculpted the statue of David.

340
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,000
I might sculpt a fist
and chuck it at your mouth.

341
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,800
Come on, then. I'm waiting.

342
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,040
Come on, then! Quiet!
GAVEL BANGS

343
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,240
Can you Renaissance masters
master the etiquette of court?

344
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,200
Si. Disgraceful.

345
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,120
Mi scusi. Now, as I understand it,
you were commissioned to do murals

346
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,200
at the same room
at the Palazzo della Signoria,

347
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,560
so I assume, given the two of you
are the greatest in the world,

348
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,920
that it went quite well, no?
DA VINCI SIGHS

349
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,080
It's not a great example of
something going well, no.

350
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,360
To be honest, it's not something
I prefer to talk about.

351
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,240
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Bring the witness in.

352
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,640
I don't think we need
to do the witness.

353
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh! Oh, not this guy.

354
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,040
Oh, he's got a face on.

355
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,120
Ah. Thank you for coming
to court today, sir.

356
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,160
As I understand it, you commissioned
these two artists, didn't you?

357
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,080
How did it go?
Don't be a big snitch.

358
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,960
Let me paint you a picture. Yes.

359
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,840
Michelangelo hadn't even started
his after years of waiting for him!

360
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,520
Yeah, but, it's still
in the design phase, so...

361
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,760
And Leonardo,
he tried to dry his with fire

362
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,880
and nearly burned down the hall!

363
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,720
It's wet paint. It needs to dry.
What do you want from me?

364
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,240
I hired two of the greatest artists
of all time... Thank you.

365
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,320
...and I got one burnt wall
and one with nothing on!

366
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,840
Thank you so much for coming, sir,
and for your honesty.

367
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,120
Now, do either of you have anything
to say for yourselves?

368
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,680
Just that I really hope
all the best for Michelangelo,

369
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,040
and I hope that he...
So sad how bad he smells.

370
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,040
Unbelievable! I'm old!
I'm a very old man, don't hurt me!

371
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,600
Order! Look, get them
out of my courtroom.

372
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,080
There's only room for one
diva here, and that's me.

373
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,480
THEY SHOUT
Argh! Please... Out! Out!

374
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,240
Spending money on art?
What a ghastly idea.

375
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:39,240
Us Puritans were not fans of
any kind of extravagance,

376
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,040
so we didn't like the monarchy,

377
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,440
and you can probably guess what we
made of their biggest bit of bling,

378
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,360
the Crown Jewels...
CLANG

379
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,160
Good morrow and what's up?
I'm Helpless Humiliation Harris.

380
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,320
Welcome to my ThouTube
Puritan craft channel.

381
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,200
This week, my guest
is Henry Mildmay,

382
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,240
Master of the Jewel House,
which holds the crown jewels.

383
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,840
What we doing today, Henry?
Today I'm going to be showing you

384
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,880
how to make the Crown Jewels -
terribly sorry.

385
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,480
I'm going to be showing you
how to UNMAKE the Crown Jewels.

386
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,000
I'm going to be destroying them.
Nice!

387
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,840
Aren't you meant to be looking
after them?

388
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,600
That is what I did for the King,
but I now work for his enemy.

389
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,320
Parliament are not
so hot on the royals.

390
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,560
OK, so now that we don't
have kings and queens,

391
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,440
we don't need the Crown Jewels,
so I'm going to be breaking them up,

392
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,760
melting them down and raising money
for the new government. Great.

393
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,360
Let's start with the King's
state crown. Lovely bit of kit.

394
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,280
About 500 years old. Stunning.

395
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,800
Talk us through what you're
doing there, Henry.

396
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,560
So, right now, I'm hitting it
with a hammer. Mm-hm.

397
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,160
And can anyone, sort of, just
do this at home? Er, yeah.

398
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,800
If you've got crown jewels at home,
feel free to do it, yeah. Argh! OK.

399
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,720
What we've now got is, sort of,
piles of precious metals

400
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,640
and we'll melt those down,
make coins,

401
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,160
and they'll be worth maybe...£1,000?

402
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,000
Right, and how much were
they worth before?

403
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,480
It was priceless. OK.

404
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,120
Next up, we got
the royal jewelled sceptre

405
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,240
that belonged to Edward
the Confessor in the 11th century.

406
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,280
Very nice.

407
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,640
Obviously, it'll take Henry a long
time to totally unmake that sceptre,

408
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,520
so here's an orb that
was unmade earlier.

409
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,720
Full instructions are available
on my ThouTube channel

410
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,480
or are just on the screen right now.

411
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,720
Thank you so much for coming, Henry.
Yeah, thanks for having me.

412
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,120
Funny thought, I hope they don't
reinstate the monarchy.

413
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,560
They would not like me!

414
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,960
Don't forget to check out
my sister's Un-Make-Up channel,

415
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,440
where she shows you how to,
sort of, remove all of your make-up

416
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,520
because we're making a law
to ban it. Like and subscribe!

417
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,440
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Those Puritans
wanted to get rid of any bling

418
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,840
associated with the monarchy,

419
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,000
and that can be the problem
when you have lots of nice things.

420
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480
As history has shown us,

421
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,160
there are always people who'd
like to relieve you of your bling,

422
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,040
whether that involves
stealing it from you,

423
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,600
tricking you,
or just setting things on fire.

424
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,000
Hmm...

425
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,920
Help! Fire! My building's on fire!

426
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,680
Oh, dear. What jolly bad luck.

427
00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,520
Hey, you're Marcus Licinius Crassus,
the politician and general,

428
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,560
and you've got your own private
fire brigade with you. Have I?

429
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,160
Oh, yes, I have, yeah.
What a brilliant coincidence!

430
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,880
Yes. Coincidence.

431
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040
That's one way to put it.

432
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,760
Take a seat, fellas.

433
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,560
Now, then, I'd like to
buy your building.

434
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,920
What? Well, OK.
It's nice and warm,

435
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,520
and all the fire escapes have
been tested very recently,

436
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,480
but I do need to sell
really quickly.

437
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,960
It's worth about 10,000 sesterces.
Are they going to put the fire out?

438
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,000
That depends on how
this negotiation goes.

439
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,920
I'll give you 5,000.

440
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,160
5,000? But I won't be able
to buy a new house for that!

441
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,520
CRASH
Make that 4,000.

442
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,720
Please get your fire brigade
to put the fire out.

443
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,720
I will... once you've
sold me the house.

444
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,680
You're one of the richest men
in Rome!

445
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,880
You can afford more than
4,000 sesterces! 3,000,

446
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,640
and I got that rich by buying
hot properties like your own

447
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,360
for knock-down prices.

448
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,640
HE LAUGHS

449
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,040
You get it? They're hot property,

450
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,360
and knocked down. It's very good.

451
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,480
2,000. Oh... sold.

452
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:13,240
Sold to the horrible man
with his own private fire brigade,

453
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,080
who just happened to be passing
when my building caught fire.

454
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,560
Like you said, a lucky coincidence.

455
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,400
Yes, I think once the fire's out,
I might knock through.

456
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,800
CRASH
Oh. There's no need.

457
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,240
You're the greediest,
most horrible man I've ever met!

458
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,360
I hope you choke on your gold.
Sorry, can't stop to chat.

459
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,640
Need to head over to
the Aventine Hill.

460
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,560
I heard a little rumour
there may be a fire there

461
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,480
in about an hour's time.

462
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,720
See you later!

463
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,160
Grr!

464
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,520
SCREAMING
I wasn't ready!

465
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,240
Is your kingdom being raided
by Vikings?

466
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,520
Yes - it's happening right now.

467
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,400
{\an8}Then you need Danegeld
Viking Insurance.

468
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,720
{\an8}For just 10,000 pounds of silver,

469
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,480
{\an8}we'll make sure
they never invade you again.

470
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,960
How will you stop them invading?

471
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,600
Oh, we just won't invade.

472
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,800
Terms and conditions apply.
Paying the Danegeld

473
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,160
does not affect your rights
because you don't have any.

474
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,160
Remember, the Danegeld can go up
as well as down,

475
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,800
and if you fall behind
on your payments

476
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,000
your kingdom may be at risk.

477
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,840
Other Viking kings are available
and might invade you anyway.

478
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,120
What did she say?
Oh, that's the terms and conditions.

479
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,880
No-one listens to them.
Sign up today!

480
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,520
Well... There's a free gift.

481
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,480
That's a finger.
But it's still free.

482
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,480
Sure. Why not?
What could go wrong?

483
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,760
{\an8}Danegeld Viking insurance.

484
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,120
{\an8}For all your "not being invaded
by Vikings" needs.

485
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,480
SCREAMING

486
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,840
What are you doing? I already
paid you not to invade!

487
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,360
Yeah, but that was ages ago.

488
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,000
16,000, now, please. But I...

489
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,520
It's either that
or a very long, expensive war.

490
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,320
Just think of the savings.

491
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,440
This is the last time, OK?
No more invading.

492
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,640
Promise? Pinky promise.

493
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,880
SQUELCH
It's another free gift.

494
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,880
Terms and conditions apply. Yeah,
I'm not going to listen to those.

495
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,560
SCREAMING
Come on!

496
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,240
I already paid you off!

497
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,320
What, because you pay one Viking
off, that buys off all Vikings?

498
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,400
Like we all live in
the same village?

499
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,880
24,000, please.

500
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,120
I can't afford that. Oh, dear.

501
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,360
You know what happens?
Terms and conditions apply.

502
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,320
Paying the Danegeld does
not affect your rights

503
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,520
because you don't have any.
Don't worry about this.

504
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,920
The Danegeld can go up as well as
down and if you fall behind,

505
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,840
your kingdom may be at risk.
Important but...

506
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,760
Other Viking kings are available...
That bit.

507
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,760
...and might invade you anyway.
You don't pay,

508
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,640
we take everything away.

509
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,720
{\an8}Danegeld Viking insurance.

510
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,760
{\an8}We're making a killing
by not making a killing.

511
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,440
Didn't even get a free finger.

512
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,040
Hmm. Almost as bad as
people taking your money

513
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,280
is people faking your money.

514
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,480
Take this coin I found in the sewer.

515
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,480
One way to tell if it's real
is to bite it.

516
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,440
SNIFFING
Oh, phew.

517
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,560
Might give this one
the benefit of the doubt.

518
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,080
Luckily, for every faker,
there's usually an investigator

519
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,040
and one of these, would you believe,

520
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:18,520
was famous scientist
Sir Isaac Newton.

521
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,720
He was one of the greatest
mathematical minds ever

522
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,840
and was also made
Warden of the Royal Mint,

523
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,040
tasked with the job of
sniffing out counterfeiters

524
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,680
who were making fake coins.

525
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,400
Ah, Isaac Newton.
Welcome to the Royal Mint.

526
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,120
Your desk is just... Oh,
I won't be needing a desk.

527
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,840
You know, I was put on this Earth
to do two things -

528
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,200
explain gravity and fight crime.

529
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,400
And I've already nailed gravity.

530
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:51,680
Yes, well, we do have some problems
with people making fake coins.

531
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,440
Some problems? According to
my calculations, there are...

532
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,560
...over 100 counterfeiters
at work right now

533
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,000
and I intend to find them all.

534
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,040
That's why I've made myself
a Justice of the Peace

535
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,600
in all of the home counties.
Oh, there are other people who...

536
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,480
I've also hired a crack team
of spies, informers and enforcers

537
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,080
to infiltrate London crime gangs.

538
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,760
{\an8}Now, where do you keep your weapons?
HISSING: Where do you keep them?

539
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,160
Weapons? Er, Isaac,
this is the Royal Mint.

540
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,360
We just make the coins look nice.

541
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:22,680
Fine. I'm off to London's seediest
pub to talk to some criminals.

542
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,640
CRASH

543
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:30,000
Attention, assorted lowlifes
and vermin of London!

544
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,400
I'm renowned scientist
Isaac Newton and... Who?

545
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,880
Isaac Newton, look it up.

546
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,880
And I'm looking for someone
with a pocketful of fake coins.

547
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,600
You'll never get me, Newton!

548
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,520
MAN GROANS, THUD
Now that's physics.

549
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,800
Isaac, you've made
over two dozen arrests,

550
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,240
very impressive,
but do you think perhaps it's time

551
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,000
to let the proper authorities
deal with this now? No.

552
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,920
I still don't know who the kingpin
is. If I can't work that out,

553
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,440
you might as well take my badge
and my weapon. Ooh.

554
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,920
Where'd you get those? You really
shouldn't be carrying weapons.

555
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,640
You know, you've been very keen
to hamper my investigation

556
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,200
from the start.
HE SIGHS

557
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,720
Mr Chaloner. It appears you've been
making fake money

558
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,160
under everyone's noses all along.

559
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,120
I knew you'd work it out in the end.

560
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:29,880
No-one escapes the genius
that is Isaac Newton! Yes.

561
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,240
And I'll spend my reward money
on ridiculously risky investments.

562
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,800
Wow.

563
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,680
Maybe not a total genius, then.

564
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,800
So, bling has been around,

565
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,080
collected, stolen, faked,
and even shot at

566
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,920
for thousands of years.

567
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,680
But has anyone in all that time

568
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:56,080
liked bling more than
the good old pi-RATS?

569
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,120
Ah-ha-ha-ha!

570
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,960
They were the absolute OGs

571
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,560
when it came to looting
some sweet, sweet bling.

572
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,960
But I'll let them tell you
all about it.

573
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,680
Farewell, me hearties!

574
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,120
Arr...
RATTUS COUGHS

575
00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:10,960
Oof. Oh, throaty, that.

576
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,920
MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF SHOTGUN
BY GEORGE EZRA

577
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,960
♪ Pirate operator

578
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,400
♪ There's none greater

579
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,280
♪ Blackbeard's my name

580
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,800
♪ Stealing's my game!

581
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:26,680
♪ It's no surprise I cause a scare
I keep lit tapers in my hair

582
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,040
♪ Now take me to your loot. ♪
VOICE WOBBLES

583
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,480
Ahem. Excuse me.

584
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,040
♪ I don't need your silver and gold

585
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,000
♪ Cos they're far too heavy
in my hold

586
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:42,400
♪ Give me cumin, nutmeg
and all of your wine

587
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,960
♪ Anything I can sell will do fine

588
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,440
♪ Look out cos here we come
Sailing in the hot sun

589
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,600
♪ Flag has got a skull on - see?

590
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,600
♪ Here's what my advice is
Hand over your spices

591
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,920
♪ Or get cut into slices... ♪

592
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,440
No, I'm serious.

593
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,640
♪ Anne Bonny, Mary Read

594
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,480
♪ Equal opportunity

595
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,920
♪ Gonna take your rum
Fetch a tidy sum

596
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:17,160
♪ Secret sales to the colonies
If you want tea, it's me you see

597
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,240
♪ But don't tell the governor

598
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,280
♪ We may be bad
But in case of dispute

599
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,640
♪ Pirate's Code means you'll get
your fair loot

600
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:32,280
♪ And when we're caught
we'll claim pregnancy

601
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:36,120
♪ It's what's known
as pleading the belly

602
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:40,520
♪ Sail the Caribbean
Underneath the hot sun

603
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,680
♪ Ship with 36 guns

604
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,880
♪ Stealing from everyone
Then sell it back to them

605
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,000
♪ Spend it on having fun... ♪

606
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,720
Yeah!

607
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,600
♪ We're a floating shop
Sell at every stop

608
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,720
♪ Be it sugar or spice
All competitively priced, so...

609
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:05,640
♪ A pirate's life
isn't quite what it seems

610
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,080
♪ Some have even robbed ships
for the Queen

611
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,200
♪ We'll scare you just enough
So you give us your stuff

612
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,520
♪ Cos I'd rather keep
my cutlass clean. ♪

613
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,280
But we will kill you if we have to.

614
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,320
♪ On the ocean we roam

615
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:27,000
♪ Under skull and crossbones
Galleon is our home... ♪

616
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,640
Ah-harr!

617
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,800
♪ Stealing is a pleasure
We don't bury treasure

618
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,040
♪ Spend it at our leisure

619
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:41,040
♪ Oh, living life on the run
Underneath the hot sun

620
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:45,080
♪ Easier said than done
Yeah-yeah!

621
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,240
♪ Cos there'll be retribution
We'll face prosecution

622
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,800
♪ And then execution
Oh, yeah. ♪

623
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,120
Forgot about that. Not ideal.

624
00:28:55,170 --> 00:28:59,720
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